i'm not saying anything you haven't heard before

my itunes library is my connection to home - interchangeable between vegas and hawaii. so it's strange that as much as i love music, i can't focus on anything else while i'm listening to it. i've always had to do homework, read, and write in silence. i can't do homework or read with music because i listen to the lyrics instead of focusing and i can't write because most artists express what i'm thinking so perfectly, i can't figure out how to put it into my own words.

a couple of years ago i started carrying a journal with me everywhere i went so that i could jot down thoughts during the day and expand on them later in the evening, when i had time to focus. of course, among the pages was also a plethora of to-do lists, lyrics, inspirational quotes, recommended books, and doodles. i've been doing the same here, and i've recently been fascinated with two quotes i found in the albertina museum, the first being:

"maybe this is what life is: a dream and a fear"

-alfred kubin

it's a very simple statement and at first i didn't think it required a second glance, let alone an analyzation. it was broad and while i did like it, i didn't really get anything out of it. as i walked on and saw alfred kubin's works, i was drawn back to his biography and this statement. he was an expressionist, an occasional writer, and was a part of 'der blaue reiter', or the blue riders. his art isn't filled with colours and life, which is what i prefer. his work is grey, black, and brown. on the walls of the room hung images of skeletons, morbid nudity, suffering, and fear.

this brought me back to another quote i read earlier in the exhibit, one i also liked but didn't really connect to anything of significance:

"art does not reproduce the visible,

rather, it makes visible."

-paul klee

klee was also involved with the blue riders and work was more abstract, containing more colour and life than kubin's.

when i first read this quote, i associated it with nature and the beauty that is often not seen until one looks at a stunning photograph or a well-done painting. however, after the two artists clashed in my mind, i was reminded that beautiful art is not always nature. in fact, i find nature art extremely boring, so i'm not sure why i connected those two in the first place.

klee's quote helped make the "fear" part of life visible for me. up until this point, i've been living based on the dream rather than the fear. i hope i never let fear guide my life, but without it, our dreams wouldn't be dreams. it's important to be reminded that we are fragile creatures, we are breakable, but this fear can't control our lives.

i think a large part of our generation is no longer chasing their own dreams, but the dreams of someone else. think about what you're striving for right now, what are you trying to achieve? is it really what you want, or is it what your parents want for you? what is your goal? is it your goal, or is it what your friends say you should do? will it bring you genuine happiness, or are you blindly following in the direction society is telling you to go in?

then again, i'm not sure if i like the word 'dream'. it makes it seem extravagant and out of reach, but a dream house doesn't have to be massive, your dream job doesn't have to pay well. a dream vacation can be to a third world country and your dream car can be a bicycle. as long as it's what you want, and it will make you happy. that should be enough, and i think at some point, we all forget that.

my parents have been dragging me around famous art museums for the past 10 years and unfortunately, i'm just now starting to understand art. i've learned that art is much more than the painting on the wall. it's the thought process (or lack thereof) behind it. it's the time period, the location, the way the artist danced around the canvas, or perhaps the way he sat in front of it for hours on end, perfecting every stroke.

it's a form of expression. sometimes it's inspiration. it can be a reminder. it's an opportunity for thoughts, discussions, questions. but sometimes it's not inspiring, it's not thought provoking, it doesn't stir up a discussion and no questions arise. and that's okay too, because art is also for the individual artist, not just for the audience. it's okay if you don't get anything out of it, it's okay if you think it's ugly and your little brother could do better. the artist got something out of it, and at some point, someone will stand (or has stood) in front of that piece of art and it changed them.

hello there, how ya doin',

i've got all these thoughts just floating in my brain

they bump and they collide

and cause a flurry of confusion and it's getting on my nerves

-where i belong, motion city soundtrack

self observation, alfred kubin