so i will run, until my feet don't touch the ground...

...and as the waves carry me out, keep listening

-ocean and atlantic, mayday parade

so people are really into this whole running/jogging thing. i mean really, you see it everywhere: on the streets, at the gyms, in the parks. these people run marathons and races and train, and i think it's weird, but i decided to try this whole running thing the other day. i mean if everyone's doing it there's got to be something good about it, right? so wrong.

i went to the park by my house and ran down a beautiful running path lined with trees, but i just really don't know how you people do it. i thought it was weird and uncomfortable and i'm convinced everyone knew i was a phony. after a while i started to walk instead and after that i really just didn't want to start running again. walking was so much nicer and it's awkward to just suddenly start running once you're already walking - or maybe that's just me?

there's nothing really to do while you run, i mean it's not like you can multitask. it's hard enough to remember to breathe and i was just trying not to trip over my own feet, so i ended up just getting lost in my own thoughts:

where am i going to be in 3 and a half months? i'll be leaving europe, heading back to the united states. back to my family and car and hopefully a job, back to vegas and then to hawaii, but what do i want to bring back from here? what memories are going to stick with me for years to come, what photographs are going to go on my wall? what lessons will i have learned, what questions will i have finally found answers to, what new questions will i be asking? what will my daydreams be, where will my mind wander to during class?

what about in a year? if everything goes according to plan, i'll be graduating from hawaii pacific university with a degree in journalism, and maybe a minor in writing or art. i'll have finished four years of college with (hopefully) a pretty decent gpa.

...and then what? that's where the plan kind of ends, the nice little packaged school setup is done. the beautiful 'elementary school-middle school-high school-college' plan is over, it just trails off into the 'well now you just have to find a job or travel or decide what you want to do with your life' thing, and i really don't know where to go from there. i don't want to get my masters, i think there's something better i could be doing with my time, but i just don't know exactly what.

i want to move to cabo san lucas for a while, i want to spend time in santa barbara. i want to be an airline attendant and get my writing published and have things i've created hanging on walls. i want to inspire and be inspired. i want to discover my deepest passions and my biggest dreams and i want to chase after them. i want to be content with who i am, where i am, and who i'm with. i want to know my family's history, where i came from and why i'm here. i want to look back at my life and smile, and look into my future with excitement.

essentially, i just want to be happy, i think that's what we're all really aiming for. genuine happiness is so beautiful. you can see it when it exists in someone, it's crystal clear. it's the gleam in their eye, the sparkle in their smile. it's the way little kids laugh, the way that couple looks into each others eyes, the way grandma drinks her coffee on the terrace. it's being surrounded by love, of loving, of being loved. it's such a simple, easy emotion but it's been turned into something so far out of reach, almost impossible to achieve. since when does happiness have to be searched for? it's not hard to find, it's within ourselves. i think our society has taught us to lose touch with ourselves, with our hearts. we've been taught to disconnect ourselves from our emotions. we forget that genuine happiness has to start from the inside, because only then can it come out.

any genuine emotion is beautiful. whether it's happiness, sorrow, anger, pain. allowing yourself to recognize emotions reminds you that you are human, and that is beautiful. let yourself feel.